Clothing with Instructions?!

 

Clothing that requires instructions reminds me of "one size fits all" clothing it's just not true and the idea of it is absolutely ridiculous. Of course most designers have now changed their "one size fits all" to say "fits most" but still it's a joke. Anyway, clothing with instruction is equally as ridiculous! Unless you're the actual designer or have three assistants to help you get dressed you are most likely never going to be able to twist, twirl and contort your body to assemble the article of clothing exactly as instructed, if at all. Apart from the extreme difficulty and acrobatic acts required to put on one of these "instructions required garments" it’s far easier to pull on a regular shirt and skirt than it would be to twist, tie, pull, twist again, wrap and then tadah! 

I tried to make a video to represent my point however after trying for several minutes to follow the 4 “simple steps” I ended up with a file too large to upload and me still standing there tangled and undressed. So in an effort to keep this blog PG13 I opted to share the instruction manual instead. Enjoy.

 

 I don't know about you but the last time I needed instructions to get dresses was when I was learning to tie my shoe laces and even then we just sang a song!

Buttons or should I say "Peep Show"

So today I put on a brand new shirt, which was a $50.00 splurge! It had 5 buttons up to the top half and was fairly loose fitting, I loved it! I was all set to go and took one last look in the mirror and decided I would add a necklace (I was feeling spunky). Of course, as I lifted my arms to put the necklace on, my shirt tightened around my chest and guess what happened? That's right; the buttons spread apart and two holes appeared giving everyone a free Peep Show to my boobs. Sometimes, I wonder if designer's have cooked up some sort of conspiracy because every outfit I try to put together seem to have some sort of malfunction in the boob area! And, I don't know about you, but I like to keep my girls in check (i.e. in my shirt and not on display), but apparently that's not fashionable.

Anyway back to this morning; being always prepared for the inevitable wardrobe malfunction, I take my newly purchased shirt off and walk back into the bedroom where my husband looks at me as I lay the shirt on the bed, grab two little pins in hand and roll my eyes. He says "Friggen girl clothes!" How about that ladies; he has been paying attention and I'm super proud!  I just had to brag a little. So I take my pins and start to work like a surgeon trying to secure the first pin directly in the middle of the fabric between the button holes while not letting the pin stick through the outer layer of fabric so that it won't show on the outside.  AHA, got it! Now, I have to do the next one down aaaaaand done. Okay all set. Oops, not yet, forget to say the prayer...

"Dear Lord, Please don't let my seat belt pop open one of these pins while I'm driving and poke me in the boob.  Please don't let the pins get caught in or on my bra while I'm in that meeting this afternoon.  And Lord, since the only pins I had left were rusty and old pins, please, please, please, don't let me forget to take them out of my fifty dollar shirt before I wash it.  I don't want to ruin my shirt.  AMEN!" 

Okay, ready!  

"Bye honey have a good day"  

"You too and good luck with that shirt" 

 

Lions and Tigers and Shoes! Oh My!

I am ashamed to say that I own over forty pairs of shoes (heels, sandals, flats, boots and my personal favorite's FLIP FLOPS)! Yet everyday, unless I absolutely have to put on the dreaded heels, I wear the same old pair of flip flops (or closed toe flats if it's cold, and when I say cold I mean snow).  Otherwise, it's flip flops everyday, all day! And you know what? I'm not the only one; check out the pictures below highlighting the footwear of the ladies in my office.

 Here's one of our female attorneys (I will note that she's already changed out of her suit for the day; hhhmmm...was it because it was uncomfortable?).  This attorney is wearing her "everyday" black sneakers while she holds her heels, which she made a point to tell me she never wears until she is actually in the court room!  

 
An up close picture of the black sneaks; not that bad if you ask me. Wish we could get away with wearing them everyday. 

  Then we have my boss...sporting what you ask?  Flip flops! 

Now don't think that just because my boss wears flip flops, that we work in a super casual office; we don't. It's just that when we women don't have a meeting or someone coming into the office we all slip off those painful blister-makers that designers call shoes and don our flippie's or better yet our slippers. :-)



Here's what you'll find under my desk; my emergency flats (in case someone important shows up at the office), a pair of slippers and two pairs of flip flops (one emergency pair and the pair that I wore today). That's right I was bare foot in my office (again today)! Jealous?

Underneath two of our case managers' desks: slippers and slippers!

In the offices of two attorneys' we also find sneakers! These two women are in court wearing their heels but when they're back in the office, it's comfy sneaks o'clock!

A supervisor's desk; more slippers, 2 pairs of flats, heels and sandals.   Clearly, she is ready for any occasion!

And, just for fun (and clearly to prove my point) a picture of one of our male attorneys; still wearing is shoes, in his dress clothes, even after court with no emergency shoes or slippers under his desk.

To be fair I asked him if he ever felt like taking off his shoes or changing into casual clothes after court; and he said "no my shoes aren't as uncomfortable as yours and my clothes don't bother me."

SPANX This!

Why is it that women are expected to wear all things uncomfortable for the sake of fashion and/or to simply to be accepted by society?  A prime example: Spanx?!  Other offensive “fashionable” items we are expected to wear for one reason or another include nylons, heels (or for that matter any “fashionable” shoe made for a woman) and thong underwear (because teenagers can walk around with their boxers hanging out all day long but Heaven forbid a women’s panty line shows through her pants).  And before you get started with the comments, I know it’s completely not acceptable for the kids to be walking around with their pants around their knees, but as much as people complain about it, nobody has marketed an item that entails said teens shoving a string up their ass all day long to correct the unsightly problem!

And yes, I also know that there are plenty of women who prefer to wear thongs and have said that they’ve gotten used to wearing them along with their heels, nylons and girdles.  However, I still maintain that there’s a huge difference between “getting used” to these items, and actually being comfortable while wearing them in the first place.

 __________________

While looking for a picture of the dreaded Spanx Girdle I found this horrifying picture. Spanx for pregnant women!  Seriously?  I thought pregnant women were supposed to be fat, but I decided to do a little more research to see if I was missing something (perhaps these garments held the belly up in order to relieve back pain or other discomfort).  Sadly, this was not the case, see a quote from an OBGYN on a different blog below wherein someone asked if it was safe to wear these “garments” while pregnant.  I’ve placed in bold the most offensive part of her response. 

“Yes. There's no reason why wearing a piece of Lycra "shapewear" over your butt, belly, or thighs would harm your baby – regardless of how far along you are.

That said, it might not be the most comfortable choice for your growing body. But if it feels okay to you, go for it. Because your baby is cushioned by a sac of fluid, real harm would come from something like a blunt-force trauma (a fall or a car accident, for example). A bit of squeezing from an unyielding undergarment may simply result in an uncomfortable day at the office for you – and some reddish ridges on your belly when you take it off.”-Carmit Archibald 

 Source: http://www.babycenter.com/404_is-it-safe-to-wear-spanx-during-pregnancy_10337005.bc

 

Honestly, from what I hear about being pregnant, it seems hard enough without having to add any additional discomfort by wearing a squeezing undergarment that may or may not leave you with reddish ridges at the end of the day!

To be fair they do make Spanx for men. I looked into it, and what I found was disturbing. Aside from the picture, which is almost as frightening as someone telling me I would have to wear Spanx, I found this guy’s blog post below. He thinks Spanx should be designed strictly for women. Note that he doesn't appear to give any consideration to the fact that women hate wearing those damn things too. But, again proving my point that women are expected to wear (without complaint) these medieval (if not "mid-evil" as these contraptions come up to your middle section and feel like garments of Satan) torture devices.  His argument, if you don’t want to read what I copied below, is simply that Spanx are meant to shape the body and women are supposed to be shapely, and thus only women should wear Spanx (not men)!

“SPANX for Men - Well I don’t mean to single out ONLY SPANX, I want to go ahead and say ALL SHAPEWEAR for Men just is not the right thing to do.  First of all, it’s designed by a women’s underwear designer, Sara Blakely….that by itself should be enough to keep a man from purchasing the product.  The  company mainly manufactures footless pantyhose and other undergarments for women, particularly “body shaping” undergarments and bodysuit shapewear intended to give the wearer a slim and shapely appearance.  The term “body shaping” and “man” shouldn’t be used in the same sentence, ever.  Working out should be the man’s body shaper.

I have a quick question for my female readers…let’s say you meet a guy, take him home, things start getting hot and heavy, then he undresses to reveal this picture to the left….how do you feel about this “sexy” guy now?”

Source: http://thebrownleeblog.wordpress.com/2011/05/13/

My Comfy Pants...the video

Exercise Clothes: Men vs. Women

Why is it that the only available and/or acceptable fitness attire for women consists of clothing that is skin tight, teeny-tiny, mostly made of spandex-like material, and usually undergarment-like, a.k.a. lingerie-esque, "outfits" while men can just wear whatever slobby old pair of dirty saggy shorts and t-shirts they own?  HONESTLY, WHO CAME UP WITH THIS PLAN?  

http://www.dreamstime.com/stock-images-women-working-out-on-weight-lifting-machine-image4806554 

Compare that to this, and please note that one of the men is actually wearing pants! Women can't even wear shirts, and he has pants on. Ugh, this is so not fair!  

http://www.corbisimages.com/stock-photo/rights-managed/42-15235505/two-young-men-working-out-in-weight

Nevermind the fact that both women are wearing bra's, did you notice the makeup and perfect hair? Seriously, what girl doesn't pull her back when she's working out? 

 http://www.istockphoto.com/stock-photo-14506261-two-women-working-out-together.php

 Okay, so the pictures posted above are from ads, which are meant to sell the product (I know I'm running out to by the bondage wear right now) but what about the picture below? These women are playing volleyball in the Olympics and they're practically naked! 

 http://en.beijing2008.cn/news/sports/headlines/beachvolleyball/n214520716.shtml 

 Now check out what the male Olympians are wearing.

Keep in mind, this was about the best picture of the males' outfits as I could find. Funnily enough, images of the ladies attire was much more readily available than the males pics! 

http://www.nydailynews.com/sports/best-beijing-vol-3-gallery-1.52919

All hope isn't lost yet ladies.  It seems as though these skimpy outfits may be a thing of the past.  Beginning this summer... bikinis are no longer required for female beach volleyball players in the Olympics.

"Bikinis no longer required for beach volleyball as chiefs green-light other outfits"

"FIVB communications director Richard Baker told the Press Association: 'The athletes have had a choice - a full body suit or the bikini - and we have now expanded that choice even further to cater for religious or cultural reasons.

'We are not trying to steer away from a particular image, or trying to steer away from the bikinis, we are just trying to expand that choice to incorporate more nations."

Of course, their reasoning is to promote more women, who may have religious or cultural barriers against wearing garments like those posted above, to participate in the sport.  Far be it for them to simply admit these "uniforms" were degrading and sexist to begin with! 

Whatever!  At least women can cover their cracks now! 

The Sleeve

The Sleeve

Well ladies, the good news with the sleeve is that the designers certainly have given us options. Albeit, they are some of the most ridiculous and annoying options I’ve ever encountered, BUT they are options all the same.  

We have the sleeveless, the one sleeve, the short sleeve, and the long sleeve… 

Sleeveless (not really a "sleeve" option, but let us explore this anyway): we have tube tops also known as hooker tops, spaghetti straps, halter tops (again not really sleeves and again mostly appropriate for hookers or the few women who happened to be blessed with perfectly perky breasts and toned arms, i.e. not me and not you).  The additional sleeveless options, that a few more of us may actually be able to partake of (because they allow for bras, typically), are the tank tops with regular straps, racer backs (of course how comfortable are those really?) and then the ever so innovative and completely nonfunctional tank tops with the built in bra (puh like those work).

Note the "hoochie mamma duck face" I made to go with my hooker top and painful-ass hooker shoes! 

We now move on to short sleeves, which you would think should be fairly self-explanatory but of course we are talking about women’s clothing here; nothing is self-explanatory. Our options include the cap sleeve (also known as the wrinkled under your armpit sleeve), the flutter sleeve which just looks stupid in any sort of wind or breeze (or any sort of movement what so ever!).  There’s also the "nice" tight fitting sleeve (long, short, or whatever), which prevents you from lifting your arms, or the loose fitting sleeve which consequently also prevents you from lifting your arms for fear of embarrassment.

 The Flutter Sleeve...Obviously this is simulated wind, but seriously can you imagine what I look like when I'm outside in windy weather? It's totally ridiculous!  

Moving on to the ¾ sleeve, which sits just below your elbow, and should be perfect for the not-too-cold-not-too-hot weather, except you can’t really bend your arm in these sleeves either.  God forbid there’s a button, ribbon or some other ornamental thing hanging off the sleeve, because you pretty much spend the day slamming your elbow on said ornamental "thing" for ten to twelve hours! And, let’s be honest, these sleeves really weren’t all that perfect for the not-too-hot-not-too-cold days.  I would rather wear a short sleeve shirt with a jacket or a long sleeve shirt, pushing the arms up if I get hot, because I promise you that wearing a jacket or coat with these "stylish" ¾ sleeve shirts is infuriating!  You will end up spending your entire day shoving one hand up your sleeve and then having to pull down the arm of your shirt that is now wrinkled and jammed up around your bicep only to concede that you will never fully get things straightened out.  Geesh why do things have to be so complicated?

 

 
The ½ sleeve, which sits just above your elbow, isn’t that uncomfortable but frankly only looks attractive on stick figures because designers usually make these sleeve types super tight, and I personally don’t like walking around with sausage links hanging off my body all day.

The full length sleeve is tricky for women who are petite because typically, the sleeves are made for the amazon woman.  Thus petite ladies usually end up having to roll or fold their sleeves up, looking like farmers in the office. Although they may save money in the winter because they probably never need to buy mittens as they would only need to unroll their sleeves, it isn't a very classy look.

Happy Anniversary, MuffinTop

Exactly one year a go on March 24, 2011, the Oxford English Dictionary announced the addition of “muffin top” to their newly revised dictionary. The first definition refers to the actual top portion of a muffin (you know, the yummy part), which was the most likely the key player in the second definition: "a protuberance of flesh above the waistband of a tight pair of trousers." In honor “muffin top's” birthday, I gathered a couple of pictures a as well as an explanation of this phenomena from Urban Dictionary for your enjoyment. And, while I understand that many of the incidents shown below are as a result of bad choices, I still blame designers for limiting our choices with low cut, super-skinny, tight-ass and ultra low-rise jeans and pants (as explained in the Urban Dictionary definition as well)! 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Muffin_top

http://www.hivehealthmedia.com/warning-muffin-top-kill-you/

There is a (real) 5 step instructional video on how to avoid "muffin top"?  How about designers just making clothes that fit!

How To Avoid Muffin Top on Howcast


And she’s not even a “plus size!”

 

http://www.flickr.com/photos/keelmoose/125478105/sizes/m/in/photostream/

 

“Though, the effect is more extreme with heavier females, all females, with the exception of anorexic models, can fall victim to the muffin-top disaster. The reason for this, is that the design of low-rise/hip-hugger pants, originally popular during the late 60’s and early-to-mid 70’s, defies the natural shape and contours of the average females’ body; forcing the skin and fat around her waist, back and upper buttocks to spill out over her pants and through her tiny crop-top, causing a muffin-top effect.”

  http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=muffin%20top

Happy Anniversary, Muffin Top!

At Work in a Crooked Dress (and Shoeless)!

Remember the honeymoon dresses I described a few days ago?  Well, I wore one to work today as it's been unseasonably warm here in North Carolina. However, all day, I was tugging, pulling and yanking at the top half of my dress because I felt like I had a twisted towel wrapped around me.  I cannot figure out exactly whether it was my bra that was misshapen or if the dress was sewn crooked.  Either way, it doesn't matter as it was annoying and I felt like I needed a V8 all day!  Aside from the fact that my bra straps wouldn't stay put, I kept running my hands up and down my hips to make sure the seems of my dress were straight.  I really couldn't really tell what was going on; everything was just off, either the bra was slipping or the dress was crooked and for either reason I was groping, pulling and tugging all day.  I felt like a hot mess as they say!

And, yes.  That is me in my office with no shoes on!  Why you ask?  Because I had the audacity to walk more than 3 feet in my (stupid) new sandals and they gave me blisters!  Blisters between my toes no less!  I'm so glad I'm wearing a $50+ dress, a $40 bra and new sandals (can't remember how much they cost), with this as the end result: a crooked, blistered, shoeless mess!  Ugh...I don't even know why I bother sometimes. 

Jeans That Don't Fit, Piss Me Off

I was doing a little research on women's jeans and found this page http://www.eons.com/groups/topic/1537000-Jeans-That-Don-t-Fit-Piss-Me-Off-?page=1#replies

Some of my favorite comments include a woman who admits to having a boyish figure and simply resolves to wear men's jeans.  This woman actually feels lucky about because being able to wear men's jeans because they are cheaper and more durable.  She purchases her jeans for $16 at her favorite "boutique," Tractor Supply.

Another comment I loved was from "Whims."  She noted how the problem with women's clothing stems from the "standardized" sizing; 6, 8, 10, 12, 14, & 16.  I have to agree with her.  What the heck does a "6" actually mean?  Six inches?  What?  Please tell me!  Perhaps it's the number of pants you have to try on before you find a pair that you're remotely comfortable with.

Then there was a comment from “Stillblooming” who offered this tidbit of advice: “[f]or any woman size 14 and up, Lane Bryant has wonderful fitting jeans, including straight leg.”  For those of you who don’t know, Lane Bryant is a store specializing in designer plus size clothing.  In my opinion, Lane Bryant also charges about three times as much as it should for all of their clothing, half of which are made for giants!  Seriously.  Giants.  Not just plus sized women (for whom their selection is woefully limited), but women who are nine feet tall with triple E breasts and Sasquatch arms, legs and feet!

Here's a picture of all my jeans; all 21 pairs of my jeans :-) 

 And here's a picture of the three pairs that fit me! And yes, the twenty-one pairs pictured above are all the same "size."  I would have taken pictures to prove it, but I always cut the stupid tags out all my clothes because they're annoying.  They are either sticking out of your shirt or irritating or tickling your skin!  No thank you! 

 Anyway, these jeans are from several different stores and vary in style (boot cut, loose fit, straight leg, etc.), and, as such, vary, I am sure, in reasons for not fitting.  The stack on the left are all too small and the stack on the right are all too big in one way or another; could be the entirely too big, just the length (even if they're average length) and then there's a few where the waist fits fine, but the legs and butt are giant.  I just don't get it!

Tonight's feature presentation: "My Bra" starring My Boobs

Sorry for the brief hiatus ladies, but I was away on my honeymoon.  Anyway, I'm back and I'm mad!  Now don't get me wrong, the honeymoon was fabulous.  It was, as always, the clothing part that made me mad.  You see, I purchased all sorts of beautiful sun dresses and cocktails dresses, sparing no expense for this most special week, only to be, yet again, disappointed by the billion dollar garment industry.  Geesh, you'd think an industry that makes so much darn money could at least make a simple sun dress...apparently not!  My size 38D's were on display to more than just my husband for the better part of our honeymoon!  The "neck line" was so low cut, my top "roll" was practically part of the show.  I also had to bring every bra I owned so they would match each dress.  Of course, a man might ask why the undergarment has to match, but we know it's because the (stupid) straps of these dresses either don't cover your bra straps, or simply don't stay up!  At least if my bra matches, I don't look like complete trash; just trash with money or sense enough to wear a matching bra. Of course, I did have the option to wear a tank top under the dress, but then I would have had to deal with two set of straps falling down aside from the fact that layering in Mexico isn't always fun.  :-)

All that being said ladies (and gentlemen), I had a great honeymoon, and I know the locals (at least the male locasl, who were not shy in telling me so) enjoyed my being there as much as my husband and I enjoyed being there.  And, it certainly provided me with some material for my favorite hot topic.

effin girl pants

http://imgur.com/gallery/IksYm

Comfy-Pants O’clock

Saturday and Sunday are my favorite clothing days!  Saturday’s and Sunday’s mean sweat pants, pajama bottoms, yoga pants, and up until recently, gauchos (oh’ thank you fashion Gods for bringing back Gauchos for those few sweet years).  Of course, now that I think about it, I’ll wear comfortable pants pretty much any day where I’m not absolutely required to wear regular pants.  And, by required I mean for work, job interviews, funerals and parties…and that’s it!  In fact, the first thing I do when I come home from these required regular clothing events is to change into my comfortable pants, because it is, of course, by then “comfy-pants o’clock” and I must promptly remove the wretchedly uncomfortable clothing I have been forced to endure all day and free my body into something which I can actually breath and move around in without my ass crack hanging out, or worse dealing with the frontal wedge!

Hmmm…maybe I should give those pajama jeans a try after all :-) 

Women and Shopping

I was talking to my fiancé the other day about my blog and the inspiration behind it.  I know I was talking to a man about clothing; it's my own fault...but, please hear me out anyway.  I started with the article I shared on February 12, 2012, an instance where a writer talks about women's clothing being thin and flimsy; and how we're expected to purchase several shirts to create a "layered" look.  Well, before I could even get my thoughts out, he chimes in with his two cents on the subject.  His explanation was that the designers know how women like to shop so they don't waist the money making durable clothing.  To preserve my relationship, I simply changed the subject but what I really wanted to say is as follows:

Do we really love shopping that much?  Do we really love having to purchase yet another tank top because ours shredded in the wash, or because another t-shirt now has one sleeve with a twisted seem (oh that’s so annoying)!  I know we love shopping for jeans.  We love having to try on boot cut, straight cut, boyfriend cut, wide leg and slim cut in three different sizes and lengths only to realize that all are too long (because we are not supermodel tall) and all are far too damn expensive considering the fact that they won’t fit after we wash and dry them!  

Actually maybe today we’re going to be sensible and just purchase a new top for work.  However, the only reason you need a new top for work is because yours has a hole in the armpit which you didn't notice until your co-worker pointed out to you after your presentation.

Then again, if we’re really lucky we'll get to go shopping for a new bra.  I love bra shopping, especially when the sales associate wants to come into the dressing room to fit me!  Plus, I always walk away feeling satisfied and not taken advantage of at all.  I know I've purchased just the right bra for me; it was designed not pinch my armpit, squeeze my back or chest and certainly won’t give me that just baked “muffin top” look or yank down on my shoulders and back leaving indentations and red marks.  I will pay just $35-$60 or more for a good quality medieval torture device...or rather what I meant to say was a supportive under garment that will make me feel like a strong confident woman!

Yes, honey.  You're right.  I love to shop!  I love to spend hours searching for the perfect pair of ill-fitting jeans that will drag on the floor to go with my crappy tank top and broken bra.

My Short Sleeve Sweater

It's below freezing today.  Obviously, I reached for my sweaters only to be annoyed yet again.

Option one: a turtle-neck (don't ask why I still have this sweater), after I squeezed my head through the neck, I promptly ripped the sweater off because I felt like I was being strangled with a pillow. Apart from that, the last time I washed the sweater it shrunk such that it looked like belly shirt; a long sleeve, turtle-neck sweater, belly shirt!

Option two: a black v-neck sweater.  How can you go wrong with black?  This should work.  Except this sweater was so low cut I needed to wear a tank top underneath to cover the girls.  However, I didn't feel like pulling and tugging at the sweater and tank top all day as each twisted and turned on my body....so I moved on.

My third, and final, choice for the morning was my short sleeve sweater (because that makes sense). The sweater went down to about mid thigh, had cap sleeves and a high enough neck line so that I wouldn't need a tank top, but not so high that I wanted to throw up.  The only problem with my sweater choice was that I was  FREEZING all day!  Sure my butt was warm because I had jeans that the sweater was accentuating that part, however, my arms were frozen such that I ended up wearing my emergency zip up sweatshirt (that I keep on the back of my office chair) all day, which, looked even better with the long sweater hanging out of the bottom enlarging my arse.  

The t-shirt

Okay ladies...how many t-shirts do you have to try on before you can find one that fits across your chest, waist and neck, but doesn’t go down to your knees, or make you look like a friggen linebacker? Five, if you’re lucky, usually ten or fifteen if you don't want to settle for some misshapen, tight, awkward or down to your knees shirt!  Or perhaps you just gave up and decided to wear your husband or boyfriend's shirt and embrace the linebacker look. 

My Inspiration

 My cousin shared this article with me a few months a go and could hardly stop laughing.  She knows I'm always ranting women's clothing and from this little article my blog was born!  

"The Seven Most Baffling Things About Women's Clothes"

#7 Material is too thin

#6 Fake pockets or no pockets

#5 Too Cold

#4 Arbitrary Clothing Sizes

#3 There's no such thing as a regular t-shirt

#2  Clothes that need instructions

 #1 There's no such thing as "regular" clothes

by Christina H. 1/17/2012

The full article can be found at the link below.  It's a must read!  

http://www.cracked.com/blog/the-7-most-baffling-things-about-womens-clothes/